[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
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When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.