Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
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[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
mood
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
I’m awake but I object,
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.