Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
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What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.