[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
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Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers