Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
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Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.