So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
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2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
Coffee is ready.
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you