Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
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“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
Just got to our Airbnb!
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.