Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
You Might Also Like
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
#math
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.