My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
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Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.