Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
You Might Also Like
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
RT if you could go either way.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
my sentiments exactly
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.