[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
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If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
Pot warmers of the day.
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.