I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
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A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not