From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
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“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
How can I say no to this ?
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”