-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
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What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.