DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
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I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much