My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
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*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything