WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
You Might Also Like
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
consequences, the bane of my existence
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.