Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
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Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
No one :
Me when I swimming :