SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
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*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
#Caturday
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
sigh
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
wait.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move