The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
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You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
This was the best day of my life
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
I don’t make the rules sorry
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*