Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
You Might Also Like
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
Just this preview of the story is enough
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit