Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
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Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?