I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
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See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
That de-escalated quickly
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
This sounds bad:
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad