If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
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The smoothest fall of all time
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
Banana is the quietest snack
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
Posting this on behalf of a friend
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.