Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
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God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.