Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
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Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.