me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
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me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
british sex workers really pound for pound
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.