spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
You Might Also Like
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
Twitter is an abusement park.
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers