[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
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All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.