When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
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Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
I forgot how to panic. Help
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.