My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
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Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up