i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
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You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
Investing in beetcoin
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter