Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
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I’m having an out of money experience.
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
“HELP WITH CAT”
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams