Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
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[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
Today’s Times
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”