“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
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my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
Mistakes were made
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.