*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
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[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers