Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
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Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.