I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
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Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”