You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
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7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
@funTweeters
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
This rocks
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
this post was so formative to me
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no