Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
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[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
u spoke cat all this time??????
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.