I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
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“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
WTF
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
Meeeee too!
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap