[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
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I was bored.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.