Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
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Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
#ParentingFacts
British people be like I’m Bri ish
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine