Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
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me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
*skinny dips into black hole
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?