My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
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[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*