One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
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A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.