Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
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the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.