Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
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ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird