3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
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My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
my lower back watching me try to live my life
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
Brb my Sims are getting married
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
estão todos miauvindo?
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.