Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
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Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.